His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
