Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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