ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
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Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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