OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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