How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
