I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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