p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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