Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize