Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
All the doctor said was why
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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