walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Randomize
