For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
