Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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