Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Randomize
