im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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