My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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