You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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