I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
