Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
