Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
