He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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