like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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