Already got asked if we're dating
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
