I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
