apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
