don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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