dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Randomize
