I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
