My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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