I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Randomize
