i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
