the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
