Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
