allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
nutella sex= disaster
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Vodka?
Forever.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
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