It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Boobs speak an international language.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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