I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
