It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
