Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
