My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
