His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Randomize
