Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
