I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
where are my eyebrows?
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