i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
