my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
