Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Life without a bra equals bliss.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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