before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
