my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
