How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Stone age, man.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
29 Times Beach Sex Ended With Sand In All The Wrong Places
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?