My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
