Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
