If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
