I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
