Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
