Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
