the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I checked into jail on foursquare
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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