I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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