I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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