My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
i came on her dog
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Randomize
