i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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