went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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