my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize
