Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
God, I missed his penis.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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